Build your own dildo

By: Spatula Tzar

Find a couple old CO₂ cartridges to use. You probably have a few lying around from when you wanted to make CO₂ bombs. You know, back before you found out what a dumbass you were.

Make sure they are empty.

Cut off then ends using a band saw. Or as I like to call it, the rich man's hack saw.

Use a miter gauge to ensure the cartridge is cut at a 90° angle.

You probably got the idea of how to make the cut from the last two images, but I like this picture and felt like including it.

See those sharp burrs resulting from the saw blade? Unless you are into masochism, I suggest you remove them.

Fire up the bench grinder and grind baby, grind!

Use the wirebrush side of the grinder to remove the coating, leaving you with raw steel.

I love this picture. It was taken on the slightly rusted surface of the band saw, but for some reason it looks wet. Weird.

Find a scrap piece of wooden dowel that will fit nicely inside the CO₂ halves. The length is rather unimportant, so use your discretion.

Mix up a batch of epoxy resin to glue the halves together. I tried to make a yin yang, but I suck at art.

Coat the wood with epoxy and stick it inside the cartridge. Repeat with the other half. Leave a thick bead in the center.

For a bit of variety, you can put something inside before you seal it up. Add some lead for weight, beads for a noisemaker, or even a vibrator for extra fun. I used water for both its weight and heat retention abilities. Remember, epoxy is anaerobic, so it will harden even when fully submerged.

The epoxy turns a darker shade of grey after hardening.

Go back to the bench grinder and carefully grind the excess epoxy off, then switch to sandpaper. Do not use the wirebrush.

If you become impatient at this point, slip a condom over it and use it for a quick refresher.

Attach some tape around the top of the dildo, and hang it vertically. Masking tape is ideal, but I couldn't find any, so I used electrical tape. Then I found the masking tape sitting right next to me.

Dip the dildo into a can of gloss paint. I like classic black. To avoid ugly and uncomfortable seams, dip past the halfway point, but before the tape.

Allow the paint to fully dry before continuing.

Hang it from the other end, and dip again, past the original seam.

(Sorry about the crappy pic. Never shoot black objects against an unlit background.)

Let it dry, then test it out. Have fun!